As I start writing this, I wonder how many blogs and posts, journal entries and letters begin with the words "I am grateful". Yet the commonaility of the phrase does not diminish its capacity to to adequately express awe for both the magical and ordinary moments of our lives.
So here's my gratitude.
I am grateful for the most difficult year of my life. For surviving, for healing, for breathing.
I am grateful for having had the courage to walk right through a dance with cancer and emerge glorious on the other side. I am grateful for early diagnosis, for my body's inner knowing that led me to that diagnosis, for the medical technology and advancements that have made such a triumph possible, for my own magic and faith in healing that guided me through the dance with such grace, for my naturopath Dr. Michelle Tucker, for my breast surgeon Dr. Lora Hebert, for my plastic surgeon Dr. Rimma Finkel. I am grateful for James's support, for my family's love, and for my own strength.
I am grateful for new friends that have come to mean so much in my life, and for old friends who always have.
In the simplest of terms, I am grateful to be alive. For new eyes with which to see myself and the world around. And for a new opportunity at life.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Divine Intervention
Divine intervention comes in all forms.
I have a cousin who is the closest relationship I've ever had to a sibling. He is like a brother to me. I've watched him suffer for many years. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'll not share those struggles here, as it is not my tale to tell. But each time I've seen him over the past few years, I walk away praying for him. Praying for a shift. For the light to break through.
Two weeks ago, I came home for a visit. On my third day, in an attempt to ease his pain, I did some Reiki for him. In the midst of this session, I knew it would take a miracle for this energy to work for him. There was so much blockage that it seemed as if the work could barely scratch the surface.
Two days later, he was hit by a vehicle while riding his bicycle. Part of me feels responsible. Not saying if that's a good or bad thing. Just saying that it is.
It appears as if this tragedy may have finally opened up the door for him to begin a healing that he has desparately needed for years. Certainly it moved some things. Has affected his personal relationships deeply. Created some intervention that would not have otherwise been possible. Eased some of the burden that he had been shouldering alone.
Several times now, I've witnessed what appears to be tragedy open up tremendous opportunity that would not otherwise have surfaced. And each time I stand in awe.
This has been a very surreal occurance. I have yet to see him, yet I still feel humbled in the wake of his experience. Moment by moment a piece of my spirit sends silent prayers for continued intervention by God. And I stand as an observer watching the miracle unfold.
I have a cousin who is the closest relationship I've ever had to a sibling. He is like a brother to me. I've watched him suffer for many years. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'll not share those struggles here, as it is not my tale to tell. But each time I've seen him over the past few years, I walk away praying for him. Praying for a shift. For the light to break through.
Two weeks ago, I came home for a visit. On my third day, in an attempt to ease his pain, I did some Reiki for him. In the midst of this session, I knew it would take a miracle for this energy to work for him. There was so much blockage that it seemed as if the work could barely scratch the surface.
Two days later, he was hit by a vehicle while riding his bicycle. Part of me feels responsible. Not saying if that's a good or bad thing. Just saying that it is.
It appears as if this tragedy may have finally opened up the door for him to begin a healing that he has desparately needed for years. Certainly it moved some things. Has affected his personal relationships deeply. Created some intervention that would not have otherwise been possible. Eased some of the burden that he had been shouldering alone.
Several times now, I've witnessed what appears to be tragedy open up tremendous opportunity that would not otherwise have surfaced. And each time I stand in awe.
This has been a very surreal occurance. I have yet to see him, yet I still feel humbled in the wake of his experience. Moment by moment a piece of my spirit sends silent prayers for continued intervention by God. And I stand as an observer watching the miracle unfold.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
My Sister Sam
I saw an old friend tonight. More than a friend really. A sister of my soul. A piece of my spirit. A thread from the fabric of my being. We shared our journeys of the past twelve years. And talked as if it had only been twelve days. We recounted days of youth and tales of past empowerment. We marvelled at the detours our lives have seemingly taken.
And even after so many years, she managed to touch the deepest parts of my mind, heart and spirit - delivering words that provided such clarity. How can one ever feel lost with connections like this at hand? To be reminded of so many things in a single evening, like...
True friends transcend time and distance.
When you know what you truly want, all you need to do is ask the Universe and then be willing to receive, without expectation of the package the order will arrive in.
Our entire lives can be best spent by a daily dedication to being open.
When you are truly connected, it doesn't matter where your body resides. because you are always home.
You are never supposed to be anywhere other than where you are. And no matter where you are, there will always be times that you get lost in life. And that's okay.
When it's right, it just happens. Nothing you do can stop it. And you just know, without question.
And I am special, amazing, extraordinary. I have been endowed with great power. And I have impacted many lives. No detour can change that.
She was here for only a couple of hours. But, as always, we seemed to get lost in time. We experienced so much of our friendship in those minutes that we will continue to feel close and connected for as long as it takes until fate brings us together again by the fireside.
So here's to Sam. My water/fire cusp soul sister. I love you forever.
And even after so many years, she managed to touch the deepest parts of my mind, heart and spirit - delivering words that provided such clarity. How can one ever feel lost with connections like this at hand? To be reminded of so many things in a single evening, like...
True friends transcend time and distance.
When you know what you truly want, all you need to do is ask the Universe and then be willing to receive, without expectation of the package the order will arrive in.
Our entire lives can be best spent by a daily dedication to being open.
When you are truly connected, it doesn't matter where your body resides. because you are always home.
You are never supposed to be anywhere other than where you are. And no matter where you are, there will always be times that you get lost in life. And that's okay.
When it's right, it just happens. Nothing you do can stop it. And you just know, without question.
And I am special, amazing, extraordinary. I have been endowed with great power. And I have impacted many lives. No detour can change that.
She was here for only a couple of hours. But, as always, we seemed to get lost in time. We experienced so much of our friendship in those minutes that we will continue to feel close and connected for as long as it takes until fate brings us together again by the fireside.
So here's to Sam. My water/fire cusp soul sister. I love you forever.
Monday, October 3, 2011
My Phoenix
Twelve years ago, I journeyed to the Valley of the Sun to lose myself in the shadows. Phoenix, Arizona. The phoenix - the mystical bird that consumes itself in fire to rise from its own ashes, more evolved than before.
For twelve years, I've tried to figure out the significance of this creature in my life. And now I know.
I have always allowed myself to be consumed by my relationships. Lost myself in their identity. Pushed myself aside to please them. Certainly this is a fault that I see prevalent in many women today. And even men. Let me pause long enough to say that the only way the whole can ever be greater than the sum of its parts is if both parts bring themselves complete. This is far too often NOT what happens. We become a fraction of who we are, trying to fit into their ideals of who we should be. This is what happened to me - for twelve long years.
And then my being reached its burning point and I turned to dust. I was left feeling empty and drained and so far from who I was and who I was supposed to be. I had a choice. I could lay there in those ashes until the wind came and blew me away. Or I could rise.
So rise I did. And am still doing. I would not say I have fully evolved into my original form of a magical and mystical creature. But I am continuing to do so. Getting stronger and brighter and more beautiful on all planes of existence.
And sometimes he asks me...why. Why I can't give him one more chance. Why I won't let him back in. And this is what he fails to understand. Once you go through a metamorphosis, there is no going back. There are so many parts of you that are different from your former self that you can't even begin to think the same way. It would be like a butterfly trying to turn back into a caterpillar. It just doesn't work like that.
I've evolved. I'm becoming someone different, someone I was always destined to be. I've risen from my own ashes. And in my eyes, my new form is glorious.
For twelve years, I've tried to figure out the significance of this creature in my life. And now I know.
I have always allowed myself to be consumed by my relationships. Lost myself in their identity. Pushed myself aside to please them. Certainly this is a fault that I see prevalent in many women today. And even men. Let me pause long enough to say that the only way the whole can ever be greater than the sum of its parts is if both parts bring themselves complete. This is far too often NOT what happens. We become a fraction of who we are, trying to fit into their ideals of who we should be. This is what happened to me - for twelve long years.
And then my being reached its burning point and I turned to dust. I was left feeling empty and drained and so far from who I was and who I was supposed to be. I had a choice. I could lay there in those ashes until the wind came and blew me away. Or I could rise.
So rise I did. And am still doing. I would not say I have fully evolved into my original form of a magical and mystical creature. But I am continuing to do so. Getting stronger and brighter and more beautiful on all planes of existence.
And sometimes he asks me...why. Why I can't give him one more chance. Why I won't let him back in. And this is what he fails to understand. Once you go through a metamorphosis, there is no going back. There are so many parts of you that are different from your former self that you can't even begin to think the same way. It would be like a butterfly trying to turn back into a caterpillar. It just doesn't work like that.
I've evolved. I'm becoming someone different, someone I was always destined to be. I've risen from my own ashes. And in my eyes, my new form is glorious.
Love for Self
Let's not forget the purpose of this journey. To become "the grandest version of the greatest vision we ever held about who we are". So know that this is not about you or him or her or them or anyone in between. It is about me. It is my journey and I will create it to the best of my ability for my highest experience.
Every action may not be perfect, but they all arise out of perfect intention for my highest good. I will not lie. I will not hide. I will not be ashamed. I will not judge, nor justify, nor rationalize my experience so that it fits into your mold of what is right. I am not here to fit your mold but to break it. To evolve beyond the cookie cutter shape of what a woman, wife, mother, lover, friend should be.
I rise out of the dough of my own personal emotional muck victorious and glorious. Like the phoenix rising from its ashes. Wipe the soot from your lashes and see me for what I am. A woman claiming her own right to freedom.
Liberation. Exhultation. Divination in human form. Reborn out of love for Self.
Every action may not be perfect, but they all arise out of perfect intention for my highest good. I will not lie. I will not hide. I will not be ashamed. I will not judge, nor justify, nor rationalize my experience so that it fits into your mold of what is right. I am not here to fit your mold but to break it. To evolve beyond the cookie cutter shape of what a woman, wife, mother, lover, friend should be.
I rise out of the dough of my own personal emotional muck victorious and glorious. Like the phoenix rising from its ashes. Wipe the soot from your lashes and see me for what I am. A woman claiming her own right to freedom.
Liberation. Exhultation. Divination in human form. Reborn out of love for Self.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Facing My Truth
One of the very first conversations I had with my naturopath about breast cancer, before I even received my diagnosis, was that in Chinese medicine, they believe the root mental/emotional cause of the disease is that the patient is not truly happy with what they are doing in life. That there is often a feeling of "not being true to themselves" if you will.
I spent a lot of time in contemplation on this idea. Much like Chinese medicine philosophy, I believe that every disease in the body first manifests in the mind or in the heart. To be diagnosed with cancer at 33 years old definitely meant to me that I needed to do some serious evaluation of where I was, where I'd been and where I wanted to go. While a combination of eastern and western medicine could remove the cancer from my body, I and I alone am responsible for making sure that it stays gone.
Throughout the weeks following my diagnosis, my time in Pittsburgh, the days leading up to my surgery and the weeks following, I spent much time in prayer and meditation. Listening for my inner voice. Learning to understand my truth. Getting in touch with my deepest fear that, once I faced it, would require me to drastically alter the lives of everyone I love.
Let me pause a moment to say that I believe there are only two things that exist in this world - Love and Fear. I also believe that we must face our fears and walk through them in order to get to the Love (Truth) on the other side.
I was desparately afraid, and had been for a number of years, that I could never truly become the person I was destined (yes, destined by Divine nature) to become within the context of my marriage. These words were terribly difficult to utter out loud. I remember once, two years ago, I was at a Debbie Ford workshop at the Celebrate Your Life Conference on facing your shadow side and one of the excerises we were doing involved speaking our deepest fear out loud (only to ourselves). Even then, I could not pronounce the words. For if I acknowledged it, I had to do something about it. And I was not ready. I knew then that the fear was real.
To make a long story short(er)... three weeks ago, I left my husband. I love him dearly and I always will. But this decision was not about him. Nearly every decision I have made in my life over the past twelve years always involved weighing his feelings against my own. And while I sometimes made choices based on what was best for me or us in the long run, I never did so without first considering the ramifications of how he would feel about those choices. When I received my diagnosis, I surrendered the ability to put myself last. Life had to become about making choices with my own best interests at heart.
So the past three weeks have been difficult to say the least. Lives have been turned upside down. A family has been torn apart. A man whom I have spent nearly my entire adult life with spends every day working on personal transformations that I gave up hoping were possible a long time ago. He sends out countless prayers that I will change my mind and give us one last chance. He vows to love me in the way he feels I've always deserved but he's never given. And while his words and professions of love move me, sometimes to tears, they do not change my truth. My truth that in order to become everything that I am meant to be, I had to leave our marriage behind.
This single statement is no longer my fear. Once I faced it and acknowledged it, this thing that once paralyzed me emotionally, became my truth.
And I sit here now feeling liberated. My heart still goes out to my husband. And it will continue to do so as long as he continues to hurt.
But that does not inhibit me from being free. For the first time in twelve years, I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, and be who I want to be. If I want to spend my entire afternoon sitting in a cafe writing a blog, I can do that. If I want to go to bed at 9:00, that's okay. I can leave the t.v. off for days at a time. I can smile at strangers. I can dance til my heart's content. If I choose to spend my evening with my nose in a book, no one is going to feel neglected. I can talk to old friends. I can flirt with random people. I can love uninhibited.
I've changed and continue to change my entire life for this simple reason... I've got to be true to myself.
I spent a lot of time in contemplation on this idea. Much like Chinese medicine philosophy, I believe that every disease in the body first manifests in the mind or in the heart. To be diagnosed with cancer at 33 years old definitely meant to me that I needed to do some serious evaluation of where I was, where I'd been and where I wanted to go. While a combination of eastern and western medicine could remove the cancer from my body, I and I alone am responsible for making sure that it stays gone.
Throughout the weeks following my diagnosis, my time in Pittsburgh, the days leading up to my surgery and the weeks following, I spent much time in prayer and meditation. Listening for my inner voice. Learning to understand my truth. Getting in touch with my deepest fear that, once I faced it, would require me to drastically alter the lives of everyone I love.
Let me pause a moment to say that I believe there are only two things that exist in this world - Love and Fear. I also believe that we must face our fears and walk through them in order to get to the Love (Truth) on the other side.
I was desparately afraid, and had been for a number of years, that I could never truly become the person I was destined (yes, destined by Divine nature) to become within the context of my marriage. These words were terribly difficult to utter out loud. I remember once, two years ago, I was at a Debbie Ford workshop at the Celebrate Your Life Conference on facing your shadow side and one of the excerises we were doing involved speaking our deepest fear out loud (only to ourselves). Even then, I could not pronounce the words. For if I acknowledged it, I had to do something about it. And I was not ready. I knew then that the fear was real.
To make a long story short(er)... three weeks ago, I left my husband. I love him dearly and I always will. But this decision was not about him. Nearly every decision I have made in my life over the past twelve years always involved weighing his feelings against my own. And while I sometimes made choices based on what was best for me or us in the long run, I never did so without first considering the ramifications of how he would feel about those choices. When I received my diagnosis, I surrendered the ability to put myself last. Life had to become about making choices with my own best interests at heart.
So the past three weeks have been difficult to say the least. Lives have been turned upside down. A family has been torn apart. A man whom I have spent nearly my entire adult life with spends every day working on personal transformations that I gave up hoping were possible a long time ago. He sends out countless prayers that I will change my mind and give us one last chance. He vows to love me in the way he feels I've always deserved but he's never given. And while his words and professions of love move me, sometimes to tears, they do not change my truth. My truth that in order to become everything that I am meant to be, I had to leave our marriage behind.
This single statement is no longer my fear. Once I faced it and acknowledged it, this thing that once paralyzed me emotionally, became my truth.
And I sit here now feeling liberated. My heart still goes out to my husband. And it will continue to do so as long as he continues to hurt.
But that does not inhibit me from being free. For the first time in twelve years, I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, and be who I want to be. If I want to spend my entire afternoon sitting in a cafe writing a blog, I can do that. If I want to go to bed at 9:00, that's okay. I can leave the t.v. off for days at a time. I can smile at strangers. I can dance til my heart's content. If I choose to spend my evening with my nose in a book, no one is going to feel neglected. I can talk to old friends. I can flirt with random people. I can love uninhibited.
I've changed and continue to change my entire life for this simple reason... I've got to be true to myself.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Most Intense Summer of My Life
On June 23, 2011 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It is the single biggest event that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
My original intention was to treat my cancer entirely by naturopathic means. I've read many amazing stories of triumph, survival and healing through this course. And I felt as though everything I had ever studied in my adult life had prepared me for the journey. Underneath it all though, I was terrified.
I am blessed enough to have a most gifted healer and naturopathic doctor as a part of my family. With her guidance, I immediately began a supplemental treatment protocol, and made drastic changes to my diet. Then I headed off for Pittsburgh, so I could receive an aggressive accupuncture protocol that has been proving in many cases to cure cancer. I felt confident that I had everything under control.
Prior to leaving for Pittsburgh, I had an MRI run and received the test results while I was away. It turned out that the cancer looked to be a little more aggressive than we anticipated. I think I spent a full 12 hours crying. Wondering why. Being angry. Feeling devastated. All the raw emotions which were barely beneath the surface from the time I originally received the diagnosis came rushing forth. Within minutes of hearing the results from my test though, I decided that the previously suggested double mastectomy was the best course of action.
While I still have full faith that cancer can be healed naturally, I also have children and a family who desparately need my strength and guidance. I felt like those test results took away a lot of time that allowed me to feel comfortable pursuing natural treatments and monitoring their effectiveness.
On July 21, four days shy of my 34th birthday, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. The was 24 days ago. And I feel pretty darn good.
In fact, I feel better than I have in my whole life.
My test results have all come back clear. The pathology report was very good. The body scan was completely negative for any and all cancers. I am cancer free. Mind you, I still have an appointment to consult with an oncologist. I am not a fool and believe it is wise to gather as much information as possible from multiple sources about the type of cancer I had and sit in peace with that knowledge to make the decision that is best for me.
The rest of my life is dedicated to remaining cancer free through a preventative mind/body/spirit protocol that I am in the process of laying out.
As crazy as it sounds, I stand in gratitude to the divine for blessing me with this crazy turn in my journey. This disease drove me to make much needed changes in my life - physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. Without it, I feel I would have continued to remain lost.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to recreate myself from the ground up. To choose everyday, what is in my best interest, how to live life to its fullest, how to care for myself holistically. I've remembered how to dance and how to pray, how to meditate and how to write. I'm learning how to love without expectation from myself or anyone else.
When I was 18, I realized that my divine mission in this incarnation was to use my voice and my words to show others how they can transform their world. Over the years, I have truly connected with the mind/body/spirit trinity and known that this was to be the cornerstone of my teachings. But until now, I've only really studied this on an intellectual level. This gift from God has given me the opportunity to experience first hand what it means to evolve my own world. And for that I am truly grateful.
My original intention was to treat my cancer entirely by naturopathic means. I've read many amazing stories of triumph, survival and healing through this course. And I felt as though everything I had ever studied in my adult life had prepared me for the journey. Underneath it all though, I was terrified.
I am blessed enough to have a most gifted healer and naturopathic doctor as a part of my family. With her guidance, I immediately began a supplemental treatment protocol, and made drastic changes to my diet. Then I headed off for Pittsburgh, so I could receive an aggressive accupuncture protocol that has been proving in many cases to cure cancer. I felt confident that I had everything under control.
Prior to leaving for Pittsburgh, I had an MRI run and received the test results while I was away. It turned out that the cancer looked to be a little more aggressive than we anticipated. I think I spent a full 12 hours crying. Wondering why. Being angry. Feeling devastated. All the raw emotions which were barely beneath the surface from the time I originally received the diagnosis came rushing forth. Within minutes of hearing the results from my test though, I decided that the previously suggested double mastectomy was the best course of action.
While I still have full faith that cancer can be healed naturally, I also have children and a family who desparately need my strength and guidance. I felt like those test results took away a lot of time that allowed me to feel comfortable pursuing natural treatments and monitoring their effectiveness.
On July 21, four days shy of my 34th birthday, I had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. The was 24 days ago. And I feel pretty darn good.
In fact, I feel better than I have in my whole life.
My test results have all come back clear. The pathology report was very good. The body scan was completely negative for any and all cancers. I am cancer free. Mind you, I still have an appointment to consult with an oncologist. I am not a fool and believe it is wise to gather as much information as possible from multiple sources about the type of cancer I had and sit in peace with that knowledge to make the decision that is best for me.
The rest of my life is dedicated to remaining cancer free through a preventative mind/body/spirit protocol that I am in the process of laying out.
As crazy as it sounds, I stand in gratitude to the divine for blessing me with this crazy turn in my journey. This disease drove me to make much needed changes in my life - physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. Without it, I feel I would have continued to remain lost.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to recreate myself from the ground up. To choose everyday, what is in my best interest, how to live life to its fullest, how to care for myself holistically. I've remembered how to dance and how to pray, how to meditate and how to write. I'm learning how to love without expectation from myself or anyone else.
When I was 18, I realized that my divine mission in this incarnation was to use my voice and my words to show others how they can transform their world. Over the years, I have truly connected with the mind/body/spirit trinity and known that this was to be the cornerstone of my teachings. But until now, I've only really studied this on an intellectual level. This gift from God has given me the opportunity to experience first hand what it means to evolve my own world. And for that I am truly grateful.
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